The jokes

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

"What the fuck is in this drink?"

What's common between the penis and a Rubik's cube?

Both get hard when we play with them.

What did one twin say to the other?

"Watch out for the plane!"

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

I threw a paper airplane at the twin sisters. The teacher was upset. I guess they don't read the news.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

When you're working in the Twin Towers, but you have to turn your computer to airplane mode.

What's the difference between Vin Diesel and an orphan?

Vin Diesel has family.

Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at the Battle of the Alamo?

'Cause they only had 4 trucks.

Why can't you be gay and in a wheelchair?

Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Your cut [is] so broke, even Bob the Builder can't fix it.

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

I was asked to design a website for an orphanage, so I decided to design it without the home page.

I looked so deep in the dark web, I started to see Tyrone.

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero, and the other is a simple command.

Reverend Mother walks into the convent and announces:

"Sisters, our carrots have been delivered!"

Nuns exclaim: "Hurray! Carrots!"

Reverend Mother: "They are grated carrots, though."

Nuns: "Ugh! No, thank you then..."

What’s the difference between a Catholic and a rabbit?

One has kids to protect from predators, and the other has kids for predators.