The jokes
You're so ugly, you have trick-or-treat on the phone!
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
Want to see a funny joke? Look in the mirror.
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
A family put their kid and their dog in an orphanage but came back for only the dog.
Memes
Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.
Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family?
Kid: There is no "f" in "orphan."
There is no family.
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the moooooovies! Nyahahahahahahahahaha!
Why does the pancake team in baseball always win? Because they have the best batter.
Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.
Why did the cow cross the road? Because he was riding the chicken!
If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.
But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.
When you are eating delicious street food in China and you ask the chef: You: "Is this chicken?" Chef: "No, its meow meow."
A student asked a teacher, "How do you pronounce this word? It's spelled A-L-L-I-E-D."
The teacher was about to answer, but then the student said, "Actually, I know how to pronounce it. I lied!" (allied)
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?