The jokes
Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).
Student: How should I know, that's his story?
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he was part of the Lazy Bones team!
What’s the hardest part about being friends with a turtle?
Getting them to come out of their shell.
What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?
Father's Day.
I see 6 letters in "the past."
I have 2020 vision.
I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.
What does the chicken say when he didn't understand something?
"What hap-HENd?"
What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?
A meter stick.
Why did the gym close down?
Because it just didn't work out.
What’s the difference between 69 and a family reunion?
You only see one asshole in 69.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.
Abandon ship!
I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.
I have the best joke:
"You."
C'mon guys, I know I'm not the only bored one around here!
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
Why couldn't the twins never do anything right?
Because they were triplets!
This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.
Why were the apple and orange all alone? Because the banana "split."
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
What did the bull say when got hit in the special area? "Damn my bulls!" Ahahaha