That jokes
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said, "but the world is round."
I said, babe, you are my world.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
Why are feminists always against men?
Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
Your forehead is so big that you dream in 4K.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
What’s black, white, and red? A nun that fell down a 100 flight of stairs.
What’s black, white, and laughing? The nun that pushed her!