That jokes
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
Because of all the rampant inbreeding in America, it's not a surprise that Hollywood had to poach models, comedians, and actors from Canada and Australia.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.
She said, "but the world is round."
I said, babe, you are my world.
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
It's ironic that the more other people love you, the more you hate yourself.
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?
Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.
Why are feminists always against men?
Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
Your forehead is so big that you dream in 4K.