Task jokes

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

If a cat or a dog plays Among Us, it will wanna be the impawstor.

I did a ton of work, a skele-ton.

How many people does it take to wash the dishes?

Only Juan.

I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it!

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.

How many babies does it take to paint wheels red?

It depends on your speed.

A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"

Why was the soldier reading the Geneva convention?

To-do list.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He had to finish his essay, or the teacher was gonna whoop his fat butt cheeks!

Not to brag, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Teacher: What is a cow?

Kid: Meat.

Teacher: Nice. What is a chicken?

Kid: Eggs.

Teacher: What does the big fat pig give you?

Kid: Homework.

If you drop something, make your short friend get it.

People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.

Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."

Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."

"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."

Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.