Surprise

Surprise jokes

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Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...

...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:

"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."

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    • Gumball: What's that? Is it a twig?

    Banana Joe: No.

    Darwin: Is it a leaf?

    Banana Joe: No.

    Gumball: What is it then?

    Banana Joe: It's my BUTT!!!

    I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

  • 2

    • So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

    Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

    So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.

    It's not surprising there isn't a whole lot of good tree jokes.

    Most foresters have a wooden personality.

    Me: "You wanna see my dad?"

    Some kid: "Yeah?"

    Me: "Close your eyes and he will appear."

    Some kid: "He ain't appearing."

    Me: "Sorry I thought he would appear for you. He won't appear for me."

    *The kid laughs*

    Moral: Not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on. 🙃

    I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

    I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

    It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.