I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me. She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand. Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys I asked and she said that’s my fam as well I noticed an Alabama drivers license I asked where which one was her dad she said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter I casually asked what he did for work self employed she said That’s the last time I use ancestry.com
Jack and jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy Jack got a surprise and blood shot eyes because jill gave him a roofie
So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."
i remember my moms last words before her divorce, did you just load in me.
A Blond and her Brunette friend where chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her. To not be outdone the blond retort's. Thats nothing once we we're in the kitchen I can't believe I didn't see it coming one minute I turned and He just got it all on my face it was so thick and hard! it covered my mouth, my nose,my shoulders, and eyes it even got in my hair; and when i looked up at him all he could say was whoops the Flower went everywhere!
i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face
Jace: ha ha i won dude you suck at monopoly Timmy:Let's play another game *GUNSHOT* Ig i won! Jace:*SCREAMS IN PAIN* Timmy: What? I thought we were playing chutes and ladders!
When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.
Person 1 : "Where was Hiroshima?" Person 2 "In Japan" Person 1 "No wonder! That's why they never saw it coming."
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "Wow, hairy!"
So my friends birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
me:*gives her 5 dollars* climb that flag pole cute female:*takes the money and goes up the flag pole* is this good me:hell yeah thats a nice veiw *next day* heres 10 dollars if u do it again *she goes up there* me:hows the veiw *she goes home and her mom sees the money* her mom:where u getting this money her daughter:i climbed a flagpole her mom:you know he just want u to to see ur panties right *she goes back and does it again but doesnt wear panties* me:holy shit ;-; her mom:did u do it again her daughter:dont worry mom he didnt get to see my panties her mom:...
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told my wife* she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised
*(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as an helix ruler)
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
Once my dad left to get milk then I realized we own a cow.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Will you remember me in 7 years?(yes) knock knock (who's there)
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
