Stand jokes

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?

Stand up.

I entered Kian's house. At the top of the stair, I was greeted by my greatest fantasy, JOHN. He said in a manly tone, "Hello there." I walked slowly up the stairs and greeted him back. As I walked past his room, I felt uneasy. I walked into Kian's room to find no one. I turned around and gasped. John is standing there, a bulge had appeared and poked me as he got nearer. He pushed me onto Kian's bed. The bed was that bad it broke as I fell onto it. John says, "A broken bed is nothing to worry about." I look up at him in disbelief, he's more masculine than I thought. He thrust himself onto me, his crotch area sticky to the touch. He then ripped a fart as he bent over, at this point I knew it was too late John, the fart he ripped (sticky to the touch) had me so in shock I wasn't ready for what was next, he picked and jumped on my head ripping the most monstrous, enormous, deadly, sticky to the touch fart I'd ever seen, it knocked me out. I awoke to find I was in the WALLS. I looked out to find I was in the glory hole, my worst nightmare had become reality, I fully understood my purpose in life was to the holy glory hole, I heard "GRANDAD CAN I GET SOME V-BUCK" I then knew I was in for some Kian treats.

The end

Why do orphans hate the letter F?

Because the F stands for the family that didn't want them.

"Stephen Hawking was talking about a cash register at Costco when he said I can’t stand these people. 😳😳😳😳😳😳 What did he saaaaaaayyyyyyy?"

Some people like Stephen Hawking jokes, but he will never be a stand-up comedian.

Teacher: "Stand up, class!"

She is sitting down.

Teacher: "Whoever stands up is stupid!"

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,

Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

There are 4 people in a line. Three stand up and say "We are standing up for cancer," and then there's the one in the wheelchair.

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.

Friend: You have to be able to stand up.

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?

Elton John is still standing.

Son: Daddy, what's dark humor?

Dad: See that man over there with no arms or legs? Go tell him to stand up and clap.

Son: But Daddy, I'm blind.

Dad: Exactly.

I hated getting bullied in school because I could never stand up for myself.

The "w" in Africa stands for wealth.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

Julius's wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.