Stand jokes

The "w" in Africa stands for wealth.

What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?

They can't stand up for themselves.

What does E.T. stand for? Because he has little legs.

What does S.H. stand for? He doesn't.

What does S.H. stand for? Shit happens.

Could it be ligma?

Ligma balls, daddy!

Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.

What do the initials "MAD" stand for?

Mothers Against Democrats.

What does “JETS” stand for?

Jihadis Eradicating The Skyscrapers.

I can’t stand jokes about Germans.

They’re the wurst.

Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

Your arms are open. They stretch towards me, Reaching, grabbing, pulling me, Surrounding me, Drowning me in my helplessness. Time standing still, inside here. Looking through windows, time passing by. Let me go, will ya?

Why couldn’t the bike stand up? Cuz it was too tired.

You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔

Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the squad?

She was standing way too close to the dancers.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer.

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

I've started playing the triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual.

I just stand at the back and ting.

What do you call two terrorists standing next to each other with their dicks out?

The Twin Towers.

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.