Spouse Jokes

The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.

Why did Santa stop at three ho's?

Ms. Claus caught him.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?

He wiped.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

What do you call your mom?

My wwwwiiiiiifffffffeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!@#$%

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

I'm Joe Biden's husband.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I hate my wife.

*cue laugh*

Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?

Husband: No, I like after "T"!

It means: the letter "U": you!

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"