Special

Special jokes

Burglar

    • A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"

    The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"

    The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"

    The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"

    The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."

    The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.

    As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"

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    • Visibility

    • I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

    Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

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    • Stand up

    • I went to a handicapped comedy club, but all the jokes they told were special, and they didn't know a lot about stand-up at all.

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    • Condom

    • Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

    Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

    Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

    Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

    Husband: "Gold, of course!"

    Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

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    • Episode

    • I watched an episode of Law & Order Special Victims Unit. It turns out it's about rape. I thought it was going to be about crimes on a short bus or something.

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    • Drug

    • Codenames for them FUCKING drugs, my crackhead ngas.

    Cannabis: Weed, Pot, Ganja, Herb, Grass, Mary Jane, Bud, Chronic, Kush, Trees, Hash, Hashish (concentrates).

    Cocaine: Coke, Blow, Snow, Dust, Charlie, White girl, Pearl, Nose candy, Rail, Sniff.

    Crack Cocaine: Rock, Hard, Nuggets, Dice, Jelly beans, Moon rocks, Sugar block.

    Heroin: Smack, H, Dope, Junk, Black tar, Brown sugar, China white, Horse, Dragon, Skag.

    Methamphetamine (Meth): Crank, Speed, Chalk, Ice, Crystal, Glass, Shards, Tina.

    MDMA (Ecstasy/Molly): E, X, XTC, Molly, Beans, Adam, Happy pill, Love drug, Dancing shoes.

    LSD: Acid, Tabs, Doses, Dots, Blotter, Window pane, Sugar cubes.

    Ketamine: Special K, K, Vitamin K, Cat Valium, Green K.

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    • Kid

    • When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.

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