Someone Jokes

Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

Someone: "I WANNA BE THE SUN OF YOUR LIFE!"

Me: Then stay at 1,000,000 km of me.

How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

They'll tell you.

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

There's a kid named Little Johnny who would always cuss. Well, one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said, "Let's play a game." So the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. The teacher says "A". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, he might say something like a**." So the teacher calls on Sally. Sally says "apple". The teacher says "B". Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher thought, "No, he might say something like b!tch." So the teacher goes all the way to R. The teacher says "R". Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Me, me, please, I really know one." Then the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, there's no cuss word that starts with R," so she said, "Okay, Johnny, give me a word that starts with R." Little Johnny says, "A rat!" and the teacher, very pleased, says, "Very good, Johnny. What type of rat?" Little Johnny says, "A big gosh damn mother freaker."

Sorry, I had to edit some word, but y'all know what I meant.

Real

The image shows two side-by-side screenshots of the character Boo from Monsters, Inc. In the first image, she has a wide-eyed, open-mouthed, angry expression. In the second image, she has a scowling, more serious angry expression. The text above the images says: "When someone that's under 5'3" gets angry."

What do you call someone smart and dead?

Stephen Hawking...

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.