Someone jokes

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.

How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

They'll tell you.

I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."

Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.

Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

There's a kid named Little Johnny who would always cuss. Well, one day, he was sitting in class and the teacher said, "Let's play a game." So the game was she calls out a letter and someone raises her hand and tells her a word that begins with that letter. The teacher says "A". Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, he might say something like a**." So the teacher calls on Sally. Sally says "apple". The teacher says "B". Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher thought, "No, he might say something like b!tch." So the teacher goes all the way to R. The teacher says "R". Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Me, me, please, I really know one." Then the teacher thinks to herself, "Well, there's no cuss word that starts with R," so she said, "Okay, Johnny, give me a word that starts with R." Little Johnny says, "A rat!" and the teacher, very pleased, says, "Very good, Johnny. What type of rat?" Little Johnny says, "A big gosh damn mother freaker."

Sorry, I had to edit some word, but y'all know what I meant.

What do you call someone smart and dead?

Stephen Hawking...

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

If I were alone on an island with Camilla Cabello, and we were never going to escape, I'd rape her. I mean, what is she going to do? Tell someone?

What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?

You better not lay a finger on her!

I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute?

Because they needed someone to call "daddy".

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.

Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.

Orphans go to church to call someone father.

What’s someone with AIDS' favorite Taylor Swift song?

"Baby, now we got bad blood."

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

Why do orphans go to church?

Because they can call someone "father."