Why are lamps so scared? Because someone might throw them away.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.
What would an orphan ask for Christmas?
"A someone."
Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.
No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.
Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men.
That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.
I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.
... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
What do you get when someone named Victoria falls? A Victoria Falls!
Boi, you can't be talking because if someone punched you in the face, you will be the one to apologize.
Boi, you can't be talking because if someone punched you in the face, you will be the one to apologize.
What do you say to someone's mom?
"You mom gay."
The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Now, how about that drink?
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."
So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.
But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f
... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
What do you call someone without a body?
Nobody.
