Yesterday we lost a quarter of our roof in the storm, oof.
Shit Jokes
What do you call a shitty movie? One that fucking sucks and shits.
My woman told me that she wants to have sex with me, and I said, "Let's go at it." She said, "Shut up and kiss me on all my pillows."
Dad: What do you call a crazy creeper?
Mom: Shit, I don't know...
Kid: Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Dad: That's my boy's!!!
A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'm here to assassinate John Tucker." The bartender replies, "He’s in the restroom." The hitman goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour.
The bartender asks him, "Did you kill him?" The hitman replies with a sad face, “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools, so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour, and when I asked him what’s taking him so long, he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started.”
Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?
My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.
Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.
Do I sit broken-hearted?
I came to sh*t and only farted.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and everyone is trying to shit on ya.
Why can’t the turd fart? Because it already shitted!
What's the difference between a bicycle?
A banana, because vests don't have sleeves.
I unironically shit myself. I am so sorry.
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
When a cat gets a sibling, do they say, "Oh, shit! Another mew kid?!?!?!"
Why don’t Belgians eat shit sandwiches?
They don’t fancy bread!
Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the coronavirus?
When someone sneezes, everyone shits their pants.
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
So, today is my birthday. Today, I am 13, but yesterday I am going to turn 10. But I am not even going to school to know the number ten, because one time at 10 p.m. in the morning it was so cold in my hot room, so I went outside to drive my car. But I stopped because the light turned green. I was taking a bath in the front of my car, and it didn’t have a bin, so I am taking a sh$t.
It's all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.
