Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
Hey, if you've watched Twilight with Edward, Bella, and Jacob, then here's something for you.
Do you think Bella should have gotten with Jacob? I think she should have, ngl.
Your mom is so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign because it never said "go."
Your mom is so fat that she doesn't need WiFi because she is worldwide.
Your mom's so fat, when she stands on the scale, it says, "To be continued..."
Why can't my grandma talk?
Because she's dead.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
I asked the little German girl to rate our sex between 1-10. She kept crying and shouting "9!"
That's the best I've done so far.
Yo mama so fat, every time she measures her carbon footprint the website breaks.
Yo mama so fat, when she jumps, NASA says a meteor hits Earth.
McNeill's mom wrote a shopping list for supper:
cabbage _50
Carrots-50
Cooking fat -100
Onions_20
Tomato-20
salt-10
Total=250
She gave McNeill the list to get the ingredients.
McNeill took long to return home from the shopping.
His mom decided to call McNeill to ask why are taking long. McNeill answered, "I have all the ingredients, but I'm looking for total."
She asked:
"How can you explain a yellow color to a blind man?"
My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"
Once the old lady told me she had wisdom, but after she voted! 🤯
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
So you mom call she side when Covin come home?
So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
