I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Making holy water."
She said, "How are you making holy water?"
I'm boiling the hell out of it.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on a dollar, four quarters pop out.
One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
My sis was funny but sad because I have a boy and she doesn't.
For people who love Gwen and think she is the best person on this website, comment if so.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
She will let it go!! 😂🤣
Once there was a girl named Sally! She had no arms or legs, was mute, deaf, and blind.
Knock knock Who’s there? Not Sally.
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
What did Lucy say when she saw her sonogram?
"Looks like a rerun."
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.
I fiddled your mum last night, she fucking moaned like a fucking wilder beast.
One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."
