Self pleasure jokes

What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

I'd make a masturbation joke.

But they always get out of hand.

Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.

Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?