Said jokes

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

One day I was saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, “Yeah, what gave me away?” I said, “His parents.”

Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"

To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."

Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."

The police said "How old are you?"

Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.

Joke 1# "Knock, knock." Who's there? "Pastur." Pastur who? "Past ur bedtime."

Joke 2# Why does a slug always win a race? Because its components always stop for a break.

Joke 3# Your momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."

Hiiiiiiiii, I said, Man, want candy? Me, YESSSSSS! Me, gets kidnaped.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

"Never going to give you up." That's not what the orphan's parents said.

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

Bestie Hannah heard that bestie Iz had a migraine! What did she do? She said, "My grains don’t hurt that much, at least not when the animals eat them!"

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

What if the ocean just raided Titanic of its people? Like instead of it flooding, it was raiding it and threatened the passengers if they told, so they just said an iceberg flooded the ship.

Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

Yesterday I was asked where my parents are. I said, "Getting milk."

I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."