Performer jokes
What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
Michael Jackson.
What pronouns would Michael Jackson have used as a Gender Identifier?
“He/he.”
What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
What do you call yourself when you fist a midget?
A ventriloquist.
Memes
What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?
Both get food thrown at them some of the time.
I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
Why do heterosexual men and women that are married in France only perform anilingus on each other in their bedrooms?
Anal sex and oral sex is against the law in France.
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
How sexy is Ariana Grande?
Why did Daveon decide to become a magician? Because he wanted to make his problems "Daveon" disappear.
Why is the older brother's kid brother that has autism always performing fellatio on his older brother?
Because he wants to find out how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
Why don't rappers ever play hide-and-seek?
Because good luck hiding when your name's always dropping!
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?
Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
What do you call a rapper who's also a magician?
MC Presto.
What does a sex offender that is a lesbian have in common with a sex offender that is a feminist?
They only performed cunnilingus on girls under 18 years old.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that does comedy?
Sit down comedy.