Newest Patient Jokes - Page 2

I don't know what an hd is, but my doctor says I have 80 of em'

A make a wish patient wanted to see Black panther IRL so I pulled his plug

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, „Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?“ Jon said, „I’d be half blind.“ „That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?“ „I’d be completely blind.“ The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, „What would happen if I cut off one ear?“ Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, „I’d be half blind.“ The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. „What if I cut off the other ear?“ „I’d be completely blind,“ Amanpreet answered. „Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?“ „My hat would fall down over my eyes.“

imagine this senario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "you have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc" and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

fat people dont read this

PATIENT: THE PROBLEM IS THAT
OBESITY RUNS IN OUR FAMILY.
DOCTOR: NO, THE PROBLEM IS
THAT
NO ONE RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY.
OO

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the materinity ward was put on lockdown

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital Just to test their patients

DARK ALERT******** a girl went 2 the doctor the doctor said she had 1yr to live she shot the doctor and the judge gave her 15 yrs. DARK ALERT********

In the hospital they need to keep the disabled patients rooms cooler than the other patients rooms. Why? They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”