Owned

Owned jokes

Thief

    • So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

    Dirty bastards.

  • 0

    • Man

    • A man complains to a slave dealer: "The slave you sold me died!"

    "By the gods," replies the dealer, "he never did that when I owned him!"

  • 1

    • Revenge

    • Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

  • 5
    • Owned memes

    Song

    • I live inside my own world of make-believe. Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities. I see the world through eyes covered in ink and bleach. Cross out the ones who heard my cries and watched me weep. I love everything. Fire's spreading all around my room. My world's so bright. It's hard to breathe, but that's alright. Hush, shh.

    Tape my eyes open to force reality (oh no, no). Why can't you just let me eat my weight in glee? I live inside my own world of make-believe. Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities. Some days I feel skinnier than all the other days, And some days I can't tell if my body belongs to me. I love everything. Fire's spreading all around my room. My world's so bright. It's hard to breathe, but that's alright. Hush, shh.

    I wanna taste your content. Hold your breath and feel the tension. Devils hide behind redemption. Honesty is a one-way gate to hell. I wanna taste consumption. Breathe faster to waste oxygen. Hear the children sing aloud. It's music 'til the wick burns out. Hush.

    Just wanna be carefree lately, yeah. Just kicking up daisies. Got one too many quarters in my pockets. Count 'em like the four-leaf clovers in my locket. Untied laces, yeah. Just tripping on daydreams. Got dirty little lullabies playing on repeat. Might as well just rot around the nursery and count sheep.

  • 3

    • Mother

    • "Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

    "My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

    Death

    • Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

  • 0

    • Chicken Wing

    • I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...

    "Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."

    Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)

    Weed

    • Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

    Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

    Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

  • 1

    • Drink

    • Trump goes to a bar and sees Hillary Clinton. He goes up to her and says, "Buy me a drink." She replies angrily, "Get your own drinks. What kind of a man asks a woman to buy him a drink?" Trump responds, "The kind that will grab you by the p***y."

  • 0

    • Food

    • "One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.

  • 2

    • Hitler

    • So, y'all remember Hitler, right?

    Ok, so I own a gun with Nazi rounds. I shot a guy who was entering my home who wasn't invited. He said, "Did you shoot me with Nazi rounds?" Then I said, "Do you mean 'nein' millimeter?"

  • 0

    • Prison

    • Our soon to be ex-Justice Minister is trying to distract us from his own misconduct charges by funding advocates for crime victims.

    He should fund proctologists too because he'll likely need both after prison.

  • 1