I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.
It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.
What is a government mandate?
When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.
I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"
She said, "He was a little tardy."
I replied to her, "I thought they all were."
I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
Why do orphans hate health ed at school?
Their parents can't opt them out of it.
Why was the emo kid thrown out of the amusement park?
He kept cutting in line.
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?
Harry made it out of the chamber.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
