Outing jokes

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: Couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?

First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:

"The canons be ready, Captain!"

"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.

What did the blind kid get for Christmas? He hasn’t seen it yet...

What did the kids with no arms get? He doesn’t know, he’s still trying to figure out how to open it. :))))

What's the difference between a grenade and your wife? There's none. Take out the ring and half of the house is gone.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?

He didn't wanna hang out.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.