Outing jokes

Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.

I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter, and you didn't get to pull out the AK.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair coming out of a building on fire? Hot wheels.

When does a doctor get mad?

When he runs out of patients!

Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I went to go hang out with the emo kids, but they already did.

My dick was in the book of world records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

You: No.

Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!