Outing jokes
I got kicked out of the library for putting a book about women's rights in the fantasy section.
What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?
An orphan.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
When the quiet kid has an argument with the school shooter, and you didn't get to pull out the AK.
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair coming out of a building on fire? Hot wheels.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
My dick was in the book of world records.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?
You: No.
Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.