Off jokes

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?

Because Paul Walker crashed into it.

Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?

Because she made her dad mad.

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A murderer.

A murderer who--

Is cut off by being murdered.

Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

Why did the condom cross the road?

Because he was pissed off.

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"

What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?

The bird can fly off the roof.

Why did the alarm go off when the emo and his friends left the store when they checked everything out?

The emo forgot to roll his sleeves up.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?

Hitting it off with a cricket bat.

You get paper cuts on each eye and walk off a cliff.

What did the caveman say while seeing a reptile taking off?

Look at that dino-sour!

How do you piss off a disabled person?

You put the cookie on the other shoulder.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite holiday? 4th of July when they set off fireworks.

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.