Off jokes

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.

The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?

It took my sole.

Most women are like the Twin Towers.

It's all fun and good when guys fly through them, but once the little people come jumping off them, it becomes sad and awful.

I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.

Yo mama so fat,

she fell off BOTH sides of the bed!

You’re so fat that when you sit on the toilet, it says, “A B C D E F G, get your butt off of me!”

If I flip off an Asian person, he can't see it.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Fuck.

Fuck who?

Fuck off!

When I saw a kid fall with no legs, I said, "Just walk it off!"

To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.

What do Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have little boy's pants 1⁄2 off...

Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"

A leaf and an emo fell off a cliff, who landed first? The leaf, because the rope stopped the emo.

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

Hey Gwen, listen, I know you're on this app, fake or not. I love you either way. Please find this faker and finish her off for what she's done, real Gwen.

*You're a real best Gwen*

Mpreg is hot af.

I love jacking off to mpreg.

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?