Off jokes
I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦♂️
I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.
What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.
How to escape your black school teacher in detention?
(Easy)
Turn off the lights!
A vegan and a transgender jump off a cliff to see who will hit the bottom first.
Who wins?
Society.
Memes
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
Everywhere.
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
Why did Michael Jackson love melted chocolate? Because he could pour it on his cock, then get a prepubescent boy to suck it off.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Q: Why did the Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the first Koala.
Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
Why was Michael Jackson at Kmart?
He heard they had little boys' pants 1/2 off.
A short person should never piss off a fat person taller than them. The fat person just has to lean slightly, and it's 9/11 all over again.