Off jokes

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.

Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.

Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

Why did the orphan get kicked off the baseball team?

He would never make it home base.

A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.

I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!

Me dozing off while driving.

Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."