Off jokes

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.

Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Why did the orphan get kicked off the baseball team?

He would never make it home base.

I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦‍♂️

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

Me dozing off while driving.

Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!

A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.

How to escape your black school teacher in detention?

(Easy)

Turn off the lights!

A vegan and a transgender jump off a cliff to see who will hit the bottom first.

Who wins?

Society.

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.