Off Jokes

I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.

Why did the orphan get kicked off the baseball team?

He would never make it home base.

I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦‍♂️

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

Me dozing off while driving.

Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.

What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

I ran over some crippled kids. I told [them] to walk it off!

A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?

Chocolate drops.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?

You turn off the WiFi router.

I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.