Off jokes

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

Teacher: What comes after C?

Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!

Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?

Me: AK47!!!

Teacher thought: Oh hell na.

Teacher: What comes after X?

Me: Xplosin.

1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.

Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...

"Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"

I suppose that was a fair compromise!

Scan my wrist for 75% off!

What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"

Your mama so fat when she stepped on a scale it said, "Ma'am, take the bowling ball off of the scale!"

Why did the orphan fall off the mountain? Because his parents let go.

What do you call someone who wants to jump off a building?

Cause they want to become Super Man.

What goes hahaha bonk?

A man laughing his head off.

Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

Yo mama so fat that when she tried to get on the train, it said, "Weight limit passed, everyone get off!"

Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.

What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.

Why was the leper hockey game canceled?

It was because of a face-off in the corner.

How do you get two deaf people from fighting?

Turn off the lights and walk out.

What does the bee say to the fly?

"Buzz off!"

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cause she had no arms.

Knock knock? Who's there? Not Sally.

How did the digital clock show off to its mother?

Look, Ma, no hands!

My grandfather died at Auschwitz.

Poor fella fell off the guard tower.