Now jokes

If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

  • 8

    • Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!

    But he’s all right now.

    A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

    There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

    One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.

    A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”

  • 0

    • A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

  • 1

    • Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

    Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

    Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

  • 0

    • Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.

  • 0

    • He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

    Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.

  • 2

    • A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

    A boy throws his bag out the window.

    The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

    The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

  • 6

    • Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

  • 1