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What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"

Person: You're so ugly.

Me: You ugly.

Person: I'm not a mirror.

Me: And I'm not your reflection.

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

My cousin said being gay was such a pain in the ass and I asked him why and I said, "Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, I get made fun of." and I said, "Why? Cuz you get buttfucked?" and he said, "No, turd." Then I said, "Wow, at least I'm not the one with real pains in my ass, bro."

Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?

A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance, and he replied, "I'm not much good, I have two left feet."

"Then how about Karaoke?"

To which he replied, "I have two left throats."

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

Who said, "That's a small step for man, a giant leap for mankind?"

Not Stephen Hawking.

A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!

At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.