My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Worst Jokes Ever
Never trust an atom; they make up everything.
A rooster ran across the border from the USA to Canada and laid an egg. Which country does that egg belong to?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the egg say to the blender? Nothing. It's an egg joke.
Yo mama so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!
What weapon does a fat Jedi use?
A heavy saber.
When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?
This website hahahahahahaha!
A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.
What do you call a Twinkie with two pairs of pants?
Double trousers.
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts 'n bolts!
When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.
Stephen Hawking and his wife Siri’s favorite place to eat is Meals on Wheels!
Kill yourself!
Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
I'm serious, what's a "dad?"