Worst Jokes Ever

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?

Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

Why can't Pooh Bear catch a date?

Because he is always talking about his honey.

Well, the "HOLE" story is, I shoved it up her hole.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

Why couldn't Bob hang himself?

Because he had no arms to tie a knot. :'-)

What is your true crush?

A soda crush.

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.

What do you call a nine year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

Why does Beethoven's music sound like hell sometimes?

Because he doesn't listen to it!

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So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?

Cauliflower.