Worst Jokes Ever
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.
I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.
I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.
I've looked everywhere... I just can't seem to find where I left my will to live.
Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"
Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"
Why do they call priests "father?" Because it's too suspicious to call him "daddy!"
Why does Jesus hate Skittles?
Because they fall through his hands.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Key.
Key who?
Key moo.
Uranus? More like urine is gassy! (Uranus is urine, by the way.)
So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"
So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.
I’m on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.
Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.
No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.
Girls with the name Carley have the biggest forehead on the earth, I mean, moon.