Need jokes

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

I hope Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, 'cause I need some parts for my go-cart.

Funny jokes are like kids with autism.

They have special needs to make them.

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My family is like treasure; you need a map and a shovel to find them.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

Who needs sex when they have Valorant?

Why did your father go away?

'Cause he needs da milk.

What is the most popular game at the orphanage?

Need For Speed: Most Wanted.

Yeah man, you watch Pornhub, and you have premium too, but at least I don't need Premium to see your mom in bed.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

Your mum. That's all I need to say.

🎵Penaldo Thrills🎵

C’mon c’mon turn the VAR on.

It's Penalty time and it won't be long.

Gotta dive and cry some more.

It's Penalty time and it won't be long.

‘Til I Hit the floor and dive alot.

Cry some more and dive alot. That all I need, because I got u my love, Penalty.

I asked Stephen if he was an organ donor, and he said why.

I said, "That's a shame. I need parts for my go-cart."

So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.