Museum jokes
Barack Obama and Tork Poettschke are at the Natural History Museum. They stop in front of a showcase.
"These are the eggs from the ostrich!"
"Aha, and where are Trump's eggs?"
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
I walked into a supermarket to get some ordinary clothes for the wife. Then I realized I was in a rape museum.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Yo mama so old, her photos are in a museum and her friends are in a graveyard.
Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
Yo mom's so old, she was happily accepted into the museum.
There was a kid and a historian in a museum about WW2 and were looking at Hitler in a car doing the Nazi salute. The kid said, “Why is he putting his arm in the air?” The historian said, “Indicators on cars didn’t exist back then so he’s probably saying take the Third Reich!”
Where did the school kittens go for their field trip?
To the mew-seum!
I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.
"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."
"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."
I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
Where did the mouse go?
To the mouse-um!
You walk inside a building, then you see a blind German, then you call him his name.
Answer: Nazi.
If museums are full of dead things...
Then why aren't there any memes inside them?
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Did you hear about the dead artist?
Too many strokes.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
The Smithsonian has 3 notable articles of clothing on display: Mr. Rodger's sweater, Jerry Seinfeld's puffy shirt, and Stephen Hawking's drool rag.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts?
In the mooseum.