Mom Jokes

You know that you f**k better than dad?

I know, mom says that too. (Typical Alabama Family)

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

Your mom is so stupid, she got lost in Bed Bath & Beyond and slept on the floor.

My mom holds up a hot dog and shouts, "WHO WANTS A WIENIE!?"

When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎

My mom when we got my dog

The image shows a meme with text at the top and a picture at the bottom. The text reads, "Dad: doesn't want dog. Family: gets dog anyway. Dad and dog:". The picture shows Rocket Raccoon standing on Groot's shoulders. Both are characters from Guardians of the Galaxy. Rocket is holding a weapon and Groot has his mouth open in a shout.

If your sis makes you mad, so go to your friend's home to play.

If your sis is sad, go tell Mom.

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"