Miscellaneous jokes
Why does the nurse need a red pen?
In case she has to draw blood.
Did you know pigeons die after sex? At least when I fucked it.
50 Thumbs up for 10 jokes you´ve never seen!
I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Do you like doors?
Yes, because you are adoorable.
Whoever is deleting my messages, comment and say why!
What was the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind? The detonator.
What is the difference between lettuce and a hamburger?
When the lettuce runs, the hamburger cries.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?” Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly. “Correct,” says the teacher. The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?” Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil. “Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts. “Correct again,” says the teacher. The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep. This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?” Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
My brother truly is a numbskull.
Me: Hey Joe, updog.
Joe: What?
Me: Updog.
Joe: What's updog?
*Facepalms*
Me: Lol in the corner.
Look in a mirror.
Arsenal