Miscellaneous jokes

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

Donald Trump is, like, really orange.

I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?

Bagels.

Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee?

Bruce Lee was no joking matter.

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.

A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.

Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...

I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.

Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.

Sally fell off the swing.

Sally has no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow girl?

Snowballs.

Jacob has a small penis.

Stephen Hawking got an engine swap with a Nissan 350Z, and they said his wheelchair wasn't street legal :/

Yes.

Miss Stephen likes sex like she likes kids.

On a desk in pure isolation.

I got hit by a bus.

But the bus was my ex.

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

Have you heard about the blind man who saw the accident and the dead man who heard it?

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.