ME jokes

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

Orange you glad to see me?

What is an orphan's favorite time with his family?

"Me time."

My sister said download "Among Us" on my iPad, so I did. Then she taught me to play. Then she told me a code and told me where to put it, and I typed in the code.

Then she was the imposter, and I was a crewmate, so I was sticking with her, and she killed me when we made it to the medbay.

I'm pretty sure that "MOI MOI" means "ME! ME!" does it?

Teacher: Why do people snore?

Me: Because they sleep.

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.

"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."

"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."

I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

A police pulls over a Mexican man trying to get into America. The Mexican man comes up with some sob story and the police say, "All right, all right ok," says the police, "I'll let you go if you can come up with a sentence that has the words green, pink, and yellow in it." The Mexican thought about it long and hard for almost 45 minutes and then the police says, "Ok ok let's hear it" after waiting impatiently. The Mexican said, "Ok ok don't rush me. I'm ready." The Mexican replied, "Ok when my phone green green, I pink it up and say Yellow!"

What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?

It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.

Boy and girl playing hide and seek... girl: "I found you." Boy: "What gave me away?" Girl: "Ur parents obviously."

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.