ME jokes

My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.

Me: Knock, knock. You: Who's there? Me: Music. You: Music who? Answer: A guitar is a violin without a stick.

So, I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom had made cookies. I stole one, not noticing my mom was behind me.

So my mom said, "Put the cookie back, kid!" and I said I wasn't gonna eat it. Then she said, "Never mind, I'll get your father." So my mom said, "Honey, deal with your son; I'm going to the mall!" And my dad said, "Son, if you're not allowed to have a cookie before dinner!"

So he went into his room, and I heard the belt, and I was going to run, but I knew it would be worse. So he said, "This will be your punishment." As he was getting ready to hit me, I said, "Daddy, no, please, I wasn't gonna eat it!" But he said, "No, you won't change my mind, little boy!" Then he hit me. Thank you for reading! Stay healthy and stay safe in this time. Bye!!! Read more of my jokes; they'll probably be around the website!!

My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?

Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.

Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.

Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-

Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.

Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?

You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.

"Break me a piece of that Kit Kat bar."

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

Bully: Agh, you're ugly!

Me: Said your mom when you were born.

I watched the series of "Unfortunate Events" 4 times, all the shows 4 times. I am crying. I am trying to finish the rest, then my brother comes in and says it is PG (Parental Guidance). After that, my brother called me a baby, then he pushed me off my bed. 😭

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

Orange you glad to see me?

What is an orphan's favorite time with his family?

"Me time."

My sister said download "Among Us" on my iPad, so I did. Then she taught me to play. Then she told me a code and told me where to put it, and I typed in the code.

Then she was the imposter, and I was a crewmate, so I was sticking with her, and she killed me when we made it to the medbay.

I'm pretty sure that "MOI MOI" means "ME! ME!" does it?

Teacher: Why do people snore?

Me: Because they sleep.