ME jokes
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."
Friends: comments give reason.
Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."
Day later:
Mom: Let me see your TikTok.
Me: Shows her the video.
Mom: calls suicide.
JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Can you walk the dog for me?
"1v1 me bitch!"
Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,
Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.
Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?
Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!
A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.
Me: Hey, apple.
Apple: What?
Me: Knife.
Apple: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The teacher once said to some students, "I was an orphan before your principal hired me."
The students said, "Oof, that is sad."
The teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance. She said, "Is anyone missing?"
The students said, "Your parents."
The teacher got offended and later that day quit her job.
"Nepal is a good place because it has been a great time for me."
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
What is the difference between a cow and me?
Nothing.
My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.
Throw a plate.
It’s broken, right?
Say “sorry” to it.
Did it fix back?
No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)
Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.
My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"
Me: What do you call 4 depressed kids?
My friend: What?
Me: The Suicide Squad.