Mate jokes
A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.
The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"
She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."
The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."
I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.
Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!
Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.
Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.
Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password.
Me: Sorry mate, it's so short, get a longer one! 馃ぃ
Why did the rock not risk going to the other side of the road?
It's a damn rock, mate. It's not gonna walk!
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show he had guts.
Why did the other hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate.
"Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate."
What do you call a fart in a gay bar?
A mating call.
Ol' Mate Shane Warne has sadly passed away. He was probably Australia's Greatest Ever Cricketer. RIP Ol' Mate Warney, died doing what you loved, having gay sex with men and doing cocaine! 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
Like if you RIP Shane Warne 馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭馃嚘馃嚭
A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."
A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To check in on his flat mate.
It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.
Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?
Q: Sex is great, only your mate can sometimes be a little nuts!
(I am still a single young virgin.)
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
My mates threw nuts at the wall, now we call them walnuts.
Hahaha :)