Many jokes

How many fingers am I holding up?

Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

How many Trump supporters does it take to fix a lightbulb?

None, Trump says it is all done and they cheer in the dark.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

5

4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.

How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?

One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.

...just kidding-

- none. They can't change anything.

It's funny how you feel so alone with depression, and yet once you tell people on some random website, so many people relate. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop the loneliness.

Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"

How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Steven.

Yo mama's hairline got so many peaks and valleys, you thought you were looking at the Grand Canyon.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 10, since my basement's still dark.

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb in the middle of the night?

I don't know, I can never see them.

Me: I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.

Old man: I ran over five miles today.