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Make jokes

Funeral

    • It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

  • 1

    • People

    • I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

    He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

  • 24

    • People

    • I don't like it when people make jokes about 9/11, because we lost 19 great patriots that day.

  • 2

    • Dildo

    • Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."

    Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."

    Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

  • 10

    • Coconut

    • My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

  • 73

    • Pilot

    • Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

    Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

  • 24

    • Eminem

    • What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?

    Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...

  • 0

    • Cancer

    • The Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far. All of the Make-A-Wish kids asked for cancer to be gone, so they just gave the cancer to all of the Make-A-Wish kids.

  • 0

    • Cake

    • Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

    So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

    So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

  • 38

    • Bullying

    • Hate me all you want, but I rather love bullying in all fairness. I love to watch all the loner kids being abused while simultaneously making a prediction for when which one of them will finally snap and shoot up the school.

  • 2

    • Egg

    • I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.