Your mom is so fat, she looks like she ate the marshmallow from Ghostbusters.
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
Look, Bono is a great guy, but shopping with him is a pain, because he still hasn't found what he is looking for.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
Ever tried looking in a mirror lately? I wouldn't, your crooked hairline might break it.
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
Caution: Looking at your hairline can cause you to be delirious and have hallucinations.
If you tried to look at your hairline in a mirror, it would shatter into 100,000,000,000 pieces.
This morning, I was having a conversation with my ex-boyfriend about reincarnation. I said to him, "If you could come back in the next life as anything, what would you come back as?" He thought about it for a minute and says, "A tree. That way, everybody can look at me and admire me."
Then he says the same thing to me. I started thinking about it when these two sexy, half-naked studs walked by. One was a jock, the other on his bicycle. I know I said I want to come back as a jockstrap or a bicycle seat, but knowing my luck, I'll come back as a tampon.
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
Me: Hey! Look at my drawing of deez!
My babysitter: Very nice! But, uh, what’s deez?
Me: (¬‿¬)
Your hairline is so ugly it looks worse than your mom's.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks like a green bean with googly eyes.
Your sister: You're so ugly.
Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?
Mbu some guys look financially stable until you start dating them... Mbu wait I see how this week goes...🤔
Johnny Depp to a 15-year-old girl: "Wow, look at that sexy body! Savvy!"
Michael Jackson, when talking about a 6-year-old boy: "The boy is mine! That doggone boy is mine! Don't waste your time...."
Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Jeffrey Epstein entering and exclaiming, "Wow, this place is more fun than the Playboy Mansion!"
I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.
What looks like it has jaundice and is filled with stupidity?
A Mexican.
You look like you're playing hide-and-seek with your hairline.
