A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks "How long am I going to live?" The doctor says "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says"10" The man asks "Ten what?" Then the doctor keeps going"6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1"
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I talked to a future suicide bomber, I told him, "ISIS ain't got Sh** on me because I Planted a bomb and lived."
My dignity to live
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
3 guys landed on a cannibal island. the Cannibal chef told them if you want to live to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to me and I will tell you what to do. so the first guy brings 10 apples and the chef said if you can shove all 10 of those in your ass without making a sound you can live. He was 3 apples in made a sound and they ate him. the second guy brought grapes. 9 grapes in and burs ted out laughing. The Cannibals ate him. then the first guy said why you laugh you were almost there. the other guy who had the grapes said I couldn't help it I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples.
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse. They can stay in their living room.
Why can't depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.
Your mama is so stupid, she bought tickets for Xbox live
An american is touring the Soviet union. A russian takes him to a school so he can see what its like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The american asks whats wrong and he cries "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
what is red white and blue and makes me proud to live in this country? the baby in the corner I choked, stabbed, and then came on.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
I live next to a kindergarten and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
Some people don't appreciate what I do for a living.
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My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Me and my brother where called the twin towers, my brother lived up to his title after the plane crash
Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house
