Like jokes

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?

Because Muslims don't like pigs!

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

Like if you think rape jokes are funny.

10 Fun Facts.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap. 2. You can't count your hair. 3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out. 4. You just tried number 3. 5. When you did number 3, you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog. 6. You're smiling right now because you were fooled. 7. You skipped number 5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a number 5. 9. Share this with your friends to have some fun too :-)

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You’re dead if the rubber breaks.

Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

Why did God invent yeast infections? So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

Man, choking on sugar seems like the sweetest way to die.

When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.

Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

Why do four polish heteroflexable men like to suck on four of the cow's udders? Because a bull has only one.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Why do emos like yo-yo's? Cos they get strangled by the string.