Light jokes
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.
What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?
A human chandelier.
That one teacher that flips on and off the light switch to get the students' attention... that one kid with epilepsy...
I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.
Why did the T-Rex 🦖 get a ticket?
He ran at a stomp light!
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me...
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for it being black.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But you need 5000 Soviet troops in case he goes on strike!
You're so white that when I turn off the lights, you're a night light.
How do you know you are blessed by God?
You don’t laugh at, make light of, or enjoy the evils and suffering people are inflicting on themselves and upon each other.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...
How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.
There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.
What did the traffic light 🚦 say to the car 🚗? Don’t look, I’m about to change!
Why is death taken so lightly?
Because you can take it so quickly.
I saw a guy crossing a street once. The light was red.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!