Last Will Jokes

Last words of the captain of the Titanic... "Where's all this water come from?"

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?

Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.

How did the black woman name her 4 babies?

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.

How did she differentiate them?

She called them by their last names.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

A text message conversation. The first message says, "What's up?" The second says, "Dude, you're going to kill me. I was a little drunk last night and talking to your wife and I ended up banging her car in the driveway when I pulled out. I think I hit your daughter's bike too. I'll come fix it later, but please say sorry for me to your wife." The third message says, "Not delivered". The last message says "and your daughter".

I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"

What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

"Windows 10 shutting down."

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.

Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

COVID-19 won't last long... it's made in China.

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"