Mom: Are you seriously gonna die?
Me: No. Don't worry. Suicide is the last thing I'll do.
I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."
How did the black woman name her 4 babies?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.
How did she differentiate them?
She called them by their last names.
What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
I'll never forget my sister's last words. "Is it edible?"
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words. "Shit, the ladder is falling!"
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.
"Are you getting the knife?"
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
"Windows 10 shutting down."
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
On a scale of 1-10, how old was Michael Jackson’s last boyfriend?
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?
A bonnet.
I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.
I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.
I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.
Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
