Kill jokes
Killing someone is better than killing yourself.
Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.
If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?
What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?
Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.
Why did the orphan kill himself when he found out who his dad was? Because he found out his dad was Donald Trump.
If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.
If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
what's the difference between hitler and you?
one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?
The helicopter blade!
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"
So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
Why does cancer kill you? Because it does. 🌝
I have WWII in my blood since my great-grandfather killed Hitler.
They killed a whole family of crows... It was a murder!
They killed a bunch of ravens... What a conspiracy!