Kid jokes
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
Why don't Chinese kids celebrate Christmas?
Because they make the toys.
How are rape and airplanes similar?
The ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.
How did Fortnite record their henchman sounds?
They asked a bunch of kids with Down syndrome to film a documentary.
Why is that kid walking like that? Oh, he's an alter boy.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
I got in trouble in school for leaving the depressed kid hanging.
What do apples and depressed kids have in common?
They both hang on trees.
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride a bike?
I went to the principal's office because I gave a deaf kid ear pods for his birthday.
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
What does a roller coaster and Michael Jackson have in common?
Kids ride for free.
Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!