Joke jokes

What's harder than steel? Michael Jackson at a playground.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.

What do you call a priest in a room full of naked boys?

A colonoscopy.

What does a cannibal call people in water?

Sea food.

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.

Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

What did the suicidal leprechaun say?

"Irish I was dead."

Kid: Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.

Kid: But, mom, I'm blind!

Mom: Exactly.

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.

Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?

Alfred: Why?

Me: because I'm worthless... =)

What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated.

Is necrophilia considered cracking open a cold one?