it's jokes

It squirted in my eye, God dammit!

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam.

What did the other fish say to that fish when he hit the wall? Dumb Bass.

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

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Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.

Boy: Okay, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Brick.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

102, if you have some alive ones.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?

Because it's finger lickin' good!

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.

In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.

The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.

The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

I don't know, either. It depends on how hard you throw them.

I was reading a book about anti-gravity, I couldn't put it down!

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

What did the whale say?

Nothing!

It just wailed.